Continue

21st June 2015

Continue, keep continue and continue and continue. Who care and how to stop back to square one or try to fix thing or may be not so much about fixing but rectified what's and where's the problem.

I'm aware that that is not point or no reason to do so any more. May be I'm just being my self that always want to fix thing up although knowing that no point to do so.

I can't let it go which I should do so.
The feeling is so overwhelming. I can't control and can't handle it any more. Can't hold it any longer.
I want you to know, trying to reach you as much so that you can know how I feel, how much I worth to be with.

All this back to meaningless as you like her, you going after her, I'm no one but just your ex. Most of the thing I told or I'm doing now is not some thing from my own willingness. Is doing it just to get rid of the fact of I still miss you or even more I still love you. What's it mean now. Is nothing beside nothing.

If I can, I really want to leave and left nothing behind for you. I can't. I just love you so much, you so deep down my heart and how to remove it totally?

I have no idea. She holding back from you, although giving in at the same time. You or her nor me hesitate to be in another relationship again. Who cost all this? Simple as loving and giving so much out over the time.

What you want? What I want? What she want? This is what they call the tringale love/ relationship?
Why I got my self in this situation? A person like me so straight forward and simple become so complicate and seld sabotage just simple as because of  Love.

It never been easy, I appreciate every sacrifice you done before or even now. Even now you not doing any. Might be we won't understand or will get back together any how any where. You have your aim and who you want to be with. Not like me. Lost, wondering, lack of self confident and confuse. No matter how, I knew I love you still when the moment you move on. Every thing just wrong.

I just want to be honest to my self. I don't like being not me. If not how others would see me as me? The one in the future knowing I'm the one he looking for, want to be with. Or even realize I worth fighting for.

Any how from now, I just need to continue move one without looking back or wonder will you back with me. I believe even you have that thought, you will just kill that for her.

All the above and all the thinking and thought is just my own judgement and assumption. Nothing to do with you or any one else. I came to a point there is no use of clarify or understand thing where, when or how it happen.

Is already in the past that no one can go back to.

Illusion, false hope and depression

14 June 2015

Having illusion and upset. I can't do it any more. I feel like killing my self. 

I know when I ask are you with her? You will answer me is that a problem? We not together anymore and I told you my decision many times. Is you complicated thing. 

Yes, I'm aware. I'm the one can't accept it. It effect me so much. 

When and how can I end all this? Should I really go for wait and initiate? Some might say is not worth it. You deserve better. Some might say love your self before you love others. How could I do that when I seeing my love is loving others and I can do nothing about it. 

I love you more than any thing else. I make a mistake but why you not willing to let me prove I can do better? I know I give up the chance but I'm here, why you leave? You promised you won't any more. Might be me misunderstood that you mean if I be with you at that time. 

I thought I have to pushed you even more further to get rid of the feeling missing and loving you but it got worse. I miss and love you even more. 

Every one with bright eyes can see you will not come back any more. I'm the only one still have hopes and waiting for miracles. God won't bless me, because what I did to you last time. I'm in pain, just like hell. Don't know how to do better than this. 

Am I too selfish? Never consider how you feels and what you thinking. Always about my self only. Even now, I only concern about my self miserable, never thought of what actually you want for your self or your future. Should be a yes. And I have no clue how to fix it. 

Still, love you and I'm here. Thanks for the letter you wrote for my future partner but you will do.