Where are you, where am I?

23/2/2016


" This will be the last from me to you for her and all."
" I will miss all this always."
" I determine my self to go after you and our years of relationship."
" I will marry you, my Princess. Love, Forever."
" Love you. Love me?"
" I don't have much feeling at that time."
" I will be by your side no matter what. Always will be here when you need me."
" I give up. I'm try connecting with her since you keep say so."
" Last time is different. Now we both not together, so what's the problem?"
" If yesterday you came back, we will back together. But you didn't"
" She ask me back together with you. Do you know that?"
" Darling, is me give you lots of pressure right"
" If we back together, this will be our engagement ring; if not, is a gift from me to you."


Enough. I told my self enough. Stop thinking about the past relationship. It won't come back no matter what you do or trying to.

He make up his mind not be with you even he not seeing any one.

All the conversation, words, lines and promises. I miss you.

I can do every thing I want. Just not be with you again. Why I don't have the courage to go after you again just like you did? I love you just as much as you did. Is me stopping my self or I know and you told me we won't get back together as you put a full stop between us when you decide go after her.

I hate writing all this out. For so long, still I didn't evolve to a better me. Still stuck in missing you, hoping we can back to old time.



Thank you for all the memories,

Thank you for all the thing you done for me,

Thank you for all the unforgettable experiences,

Thank you for making me overly attached with you,

Thank you for make me build my life around you,

Thank you for make me believe you are the one for me,

Thank you for giving me all the advice,

Thank you for all the time spend on me,

Thank you for all the effort you put in to fix thing and make thing works,

Thank you for left me with regrets and loneliness,

Thank you for you moved on first,

Thank you for all the sweet lines and promises that you didn't deliver not delivered,

Thank you for stand beside me occasionally when I got conflict with the family,

Thank you for proving me that you can be sweetest person to me but I'm not only one,

Thank you for not drawing the line between friends and being flirty,

Thank you for all the misunderstanding between me and you,

Thank you for all the fight and obstacles that we been through,

Thank you for all the challenge you give to me to accept or not on your perspective about bestie,

Thank you for your thoughts about between girl n guy there is pure friendship, not only friends with emotional attach,

Thank you for shape me to a person more consideration,

Thank you for give me opportunity to know and rebuild myself,

Thank you for make me force my self to pick up and complete what I don't feel like doing last time,

Thank you for the chances I got to realise there is others love and be with me no matter what.



Love you very much. I won't say forever like you did. I will live my life to the fullest even with the regrets I didn't get to be with you till end of my life like I say you will be my last.

Love you. I'm here waiting, even I know it won't happen, will never happen. 

Time, is some thing we can't turn back. Wrong timing, is some thing out of our control. 

Fall in love with you and gone so deep in my heart, is lost control.

Why Now, Why Not.

28 Nov 2015 11am

Instincts or hormones I'm not sure. Keep emo this few days. Then all sudden, the ring come to my mind. 

One year ago, the same day. I woke up and saw a ring next to my bedside. That time, we sleep separate room already. 

At that time, it was a different me. I'm surprise and ask why now. I wasn't ready after the whole heart breaking moment. Was flirting and enjoying others chase after me. I lost my self back then in my own egoness and blinded. 

Now recall, if that was your proposal why you tell me that's the engagement ring if we got back together, otherwise it will be a gift for me. As a partner for life, aren't you suppose to wake me up from the blindness or foolish, do all you can to save me from making mistake if you think you are the one for me. Do what ever it takes. You not even ask the question then you quit because you think you can't fight over him.  

Any way, past is past. No experience or lesson come easy. Always a price to pay, cost to bare. The only different is how much u pay, how high is the cost is. 

365 days passed, I learnt my lesson, paid the cost and you turn your back to me, go after her. When all I want to say is why not, yes I do.  

Too late and no point saying it. I hurt you, I love you. You hurt me even more? I don't know. All I know is I love you still, how to let go when I love you so deeply even that's wrong. 

Being honest, straight forward some time is not a good thing. Need to learn to filter things. Apply on your own life and work place. They both related, and effects how you live your life. 

Chin up, and look forward. Keep this in mind. Good people and good vibes everywhere, depends on you to notice them.  

Better Me?

22/11/2015 10pm

I'm trying hard to keep improve, keep learning and keep evolving. I'm lost am I doing it correctly to be a better person. 

I don't like people around me or the one who care me the most get hurts or get bad vibes. It hurts me and upset me as well. 

Why thing just so hard, some one call them that's life. 

Life can be simple, easy, happy and enjoyable. Is us make it complicated, difficult, depress and lost by trying so hard to archive higher aim, better goals. 

After the break up, the come back, the drama about admire(s), the decision making. Life gave me an expensive lesson. Took me so much to experience and still working hard to get through it. I have to do it all by self. When I try to get help or relies on some body, people get hurts. 

I don't know what to do beside just do what I can, keep going and moving forward. Know nothing about my future, am I doing the right thing now creating or planting the right seed. I only can the my best, do thing with no regrets. 

I'm tired fighting alone some time but at the same time I think is better for me to do this all alone. 

I have to be grateful this is not the worst, some others actually having more tougher time than me. All the best for all of you. Thing will be in place when the times come. Hang in there. 

Lots of Love and good vibes for you. Bless you. 

纪念日

9/11/2015 11.59pm

过了今天，一切都应该过去了。

搬家了，离开了，该放下了。

每个人都告诉我，他不会回头，过去的不会再回来。

自己却舍不得。我爱你，很爱你，很爱很爱你。

却无法坦白。就算坦白，有用吗？

明明知道，没有如果，没有也许，心里却盼着我所做的可以制造一些不一样。

痴人，痴痴的爱着。

我们深爱着那个他/她，分开后花心思送最后一份礼物。为什么？想说再见，想在他或她心里留下一些什么。

结果是他或她会对你说谢谢。除此以外，没有什么。

哭过，不会好过些；

放下，如何做得到？

没有比失去了才遗憾更加后悔的。

也只有失去，才会发现，爱的是那个人。

没有如果，没有假如，只有在眼前的现实 - 回不去了，他或她心里有别人了。

想告诉自己说：你做得到，可以过的更好。宁可缺，不可滥。爱情，不必急着找，他在适当的时候会出现的。如果是属于你的，幸福不会离你很远。

要记得，爱自己多一些，别人才会更爱你一些。连自己都不爱护自己，凭什么爱别人，要求别人爱自己更多一些。

我知道我会后悔放弃这段感情，那个他。我只想他遇见的那个她，不会愧对他对她的爱。

就好像我写给你的：如果那是你的幸福，你的快乐，我会祝福你的。

还是要说：我爱你。希望你幸福。

每一篇写的也许大同小异。只因为我还放不下。同样的事情，惦记一遍又一遍重复出现。心里最希望和期待的依然是你还有我在你心里，有一天会回来的。你不是我值得拥有的，可是是我想要的。也许我这辈子就这样了。

很对话想对你说，可是每次写出来后就默默擦掉。为了不造成你的困扰，让你更厌烦我。还是那句老话，我还想要跟你在一起，就算不值得，不适合，我还是会努力的。拥抱，变成不可能的事。

领悟

20 September 2015

没想到竟然有那么一套电影，一个场景演的那么相似。一语言中，一针见血。

她问到：为什么我们在一起那么久了，现在才发生这样的事呢？我到底做错了什么？你几时开始不爱我了？

“我没有不爱你，我很爱你。不然你以为这么多年了我为什么还跟你在一起。” “是我一直活在你的计划里，你把一切都想好，打点好，不容你的计划有一点失误。无论发生什么事都好，都阻止不了。”“我很难受，压力很大。你却说我不上进。你知道我有多难过吗？”

“可是你从来不告诉我啊。你让我知道，我可以改嘛。很多事情我都可以不做，我只想要跟你在一起。”

“我其实早就想跟你坦白了，可是我怕你很难过，没有办法接受，所以一直拖着不知道要如何跟你开口。对不起。”

“我真的只想要和你一直在一起。我可以改，我会改。我只想要跟你在一起。”

他只说：“太迟了。”

她似乎听懂了，哭着。他心疼，就把她抱在怀里安慰说：“你会找到属于你的幸福的。”

我也似乎明白了。我和他分开并不是我们不相爱，而是很多决定和事情太迟看清和明白。信任也渐渐消失。当全部总和，就是近年来我们所面对的一切。已经不是对与错，爱与不爱。只是时间点，做的决定影响太大，已经无法收拾。

也许我们都还没准备好。过去就当着为我们的以后做的准备吧。虽然未来你我的生活都没有了彼此，至少我们都活在对方的过去，你还是会在我的心里守护者我们的回忆。

爱你，不悔。后悔的是我自己冲动，不成熟，没有考虑前先后果而错失很多。会长大的，会为自己而活。你也要加油，好好爱她。我也相信你会幸福的。你值得一个人以你待她的方式对待你。

Madness

4 September 2015

I thought I'm doing great all this while. Who knows you did even better. All those been dreaming of is happening, but is not happen on me.

Owning car, own a home belong to us, get married and have our own family. All this we been planing, talking, sharing and thinking about it, all the time. Even we name our kids. Is it me stopping or holding back all this while that's why is not happening? Only happen when we not together.

What can I say now? I let go the chance can be with you again, selfish and arrogant. I just can't face the truth of I giving up once upon and seeing what I wanted is happening.

I can see the importance of being with some one in time. Although for once I worked so hard for my future, every step I took think twice, or even more. But see what it lead me to with one mistake. I have to start all over again and his life go on with my past hard work.

Is that really that's call life? There just won't happen as you wish. I'm tired building up some thing for others to live comfortably. When can I have some one do that to me too? What I did wrong? Some thing simple but become so complicated.

Am I love you still? or I just can't get over the one wrong step that I took?
I should have look back to my initial simple reason why I choose to be with you at the beginning. Now, my only choice is to live on with the regrets and mistakes. I don't know what I can do better to serve the karma. You have done all the great things, that's why you can have all the great result now. I only know do bad things, so I have to serve the karma.

What's goes around comes around. I used to believe it. When I don't, this is what cause me today.
No shortcut. Remember. That's some thing you can't afford to pay.

To you

12 August 2015

After doing great on moving on for few weeks, here am I again. I'm might not doing well, I'm trying to rush thing up. Even though I know that's not gonna help. Just have do it.

I love the way I'm. I love being my self, the real me. Like they say, you can't please every one, but I'm trying very hard make every happy and love to be with me. Some time I lost my self there and I didn't realise, people who hang around me is because who I'm actually are, not the one I fake out to please every one.

Every one keep telling me If he really Love you that much and stick with his promise, then why he left? Even at the end he came back to you again, he might not be the one you know or as you thought any more. Is sad to say you guys in love but couldn't works thing out, but lucky you not settling with some one not suit you well. I agree, but is just another way to look at it.

I didn't do my best to be with you, I failed in being in love is love every thing about him/her. If you say you left because of I wanted to try some thing out with the other person, then you not meant what you say which is you will be there for me no matter how. Or is it I misunderstood that promise? You did be there for me no matter how, but not as a lover, as friend. You would like to likes/love some others person.

Originally writing this is to tell you how I felt. Should I? Why not? You not even care or will change any thing.

Saying too much good bye, again and again, but have I let you go? No, you still in my heart, the one love me still. Not the one living in present. I wanted to say Thank you for the past, it did have lots of good one. I have to live with them, not you. I'm lucky enough to have you in my past. All the great things you have done for me as your lover, partner, best friend or even can say soulmate. For many years, we be working thing for our future and looking forward for it. Now is won't come true and we didn't foresee it. At least, I didn't see it coming. Like you say, most important decision never been easy and I look down on the decision how much it will cost me. 

I'm afraid to know the answer that she say yes to you. Afraid of your msg saying I won't be with you any more. If you not telling me what's happen now is to protect me or don't want to hurts me more, have you ever thought of by do that it hurts me more while I still guess and hope that I still have possibility to be with you again? I can do much more better than last time. I'm different and changed, just like you. But is it the person you wanted or I want to be with?

Keep tracking and look for signs of her presence around you, including are you spending nights with her? Have she visited the place we spend time together or even is she experiencing what I had last time? I become paranoid and suspicious. All because of loving you. Others saying why you want to make you self like that while he enjoying and happy with another person. Why don't you give your blessing and hope he live happily. My answer is: I want he happy when he be with me, I want be the best one and the last in his life, I want to do my best to works thing out. As the article, I'm competitive person, won't give up, keep looking what's the problem and want to fix it. Never realise, Love will disappear and gone before I know.

I wanted to stay and wait for you, wanted to say I will be here when you look back. I know I deserve better, you found some one have more sync moment with you. But still, I can't give up until I do. I love you more now when you love me no more. Not in time with you is some thing I can't fix or overcome. If I told you this, the answer you will give me is: is ok, forget it. Just leave me, if not because of her, I might be want to be with you again, but for now is NO.

Thanks for keeping me in the house, let me have a place to sleep and shelter. I know you want me to be all ok, can live by own. I'm telling you, I will and will do good thing, spreading great vibes and live happy. With or without you, life goes on. If we meant to be together, I will see you again.


With Love,
Jo - your only Princess once upon
p/s: Thanks for pick up Josephine as my English nick name.